“The Maine thing is to keep ordering as Minnesotas as she wants for as long as it Texas to get talking. First I’ll say “Ohio, Virginia. What are ya drinkin?” Next Alaska this question, “Gol-ly! What Colorados eyes? Gorgeous!” Maybe Illinois her, cuz every guy says that. But then I’ll follow with “I’m sorry. Iowa apology. I Nevada chance with a woman like you anyway. Now I’ll just head home to cry on the Florida bathroom.” I’ll start to walk away and then she’ll stop me and say “Mind if I come? After all, Missouri loves company.””
“So another woman poached your man from you and now your mind is fried from crying, your makeup’s runny, and you feel you’ve gotta scramble to your feet and tell him it’s over. Easy, right? Wrong. But omelette you in on a little secret. Give it some time and you’ll see that the sunny side’s up and yolk-ay after all.”
“I didn’t know whether to straighten mai tai or rum for my life. I must’ve been coconuts. So I shook the paradise in my palms and thought, “just flamingo for it!” I tried not to think about how I had put my bachelor pad up as Piña collateral. Who knew rolling a toucan win you the jackpot! I collected my winnings and after savoring one last cocktail, I said aloha to the tiki life with a big wave.”
“trust me, this’ll driver crazy. (if you need to, dash back to your hood first for a tire a nice jacket.) the key’s not to brake eye contact. when she arrives, hold airbag for her before she can blinker eye. when she’s comfortable in her seat, belt out a love song until it hazards swooning. when her headlights up with intrigue, don’t be alarmed. just steer her into your arms and clutch her tight. beyond that, spare us the detail!”
“starting to get sycamore and more people telling me to quit pining fir Douglas. you maple me out of the house and try and spruce me up a bit, saying ‘maybe a trip to the beechwood do me good,’ right? listen, no matter what I willow ways be in love with him.”
“I’m telling you! She’s been chicken you out! Raven about you to her friends! I woodpecker on the cheek if I was you. Aw, too shy? Just write her a cardinal tell her it’s from an admirer. Hell, I’ll even pigeon for some flowers. Call me a romantic, but if you don’t do something, I macaw you crazy. So swallow your pride! Go ahead, be the lovebirds we owl want you to be! Canary body else please back me up on this?”
“Please refrain from orchestrating violins. It can only lead to more treble.”
“I’m nutella you my real name! You givin me the crepes, you weird dough!”
“You oughta give that girl the boot for getting tied up with that pair of loafers! They’re clogging her mind with Mary Jane. Next thing you know, someone’s gonna slipper a laced drink, sneaker back to their flat, and if she tries to shoe, they might even sock her so bad it never heels!”
“Trying to kiss your boo this Halloween, but haunted by scary breath? Mask it by goblin some breath mints! Better yet, gargoyle some mouthwash! (Otherwise she’ll be demon you undateable, witches a terribly grim reality.)”
“I wool not be suede by all the cowards trying to make me hide the fact that imitation fabrics give me pleather.”
“Sometimes Yemen Armenia, right ladies? Like Uganda go back to the store cuz you’re Hungary for Samoa Turkey sandwiches and he’s China Russia India car! You’re like, Kuwait a minute? I’m Ghana starve! And after all that you find out he stole Germany and Egypt ya out of lunch. Kenya Belize that? Oman, it’s hard to tell what Israel love anymore.”
“break me out of this cajun I’ll bayou a drink.”
“holy cow! I hate being cattle called! today I herd a guy udder in a horse voice: lamb girl! ba-donkey-donk! what a pig. you make me wanna yak.”
“alien deli yelp review: 2 stars. ordered off the little green menu as recommended, but the sandwich definitely could’ve been meteor. service- not so stellar. come on, use your comet sense. next time i’m martian right past this place.”
“when things get ripe between a couple of bad apples: ”you want a peach of me?!” ”oh please. grow a pear.””